The Psychology of Anger & Anger Management

[citychik]

Anger is probably one of the first feelings we have to deal with when we get sober. My sponsor told me to use steps 1-3 for anger management when I was newly sober. I'm still using them today along with a few others. Maybe this series of posts will prove enlightening to people who don't use a 12 step program.. like my beloved husband.


Apathy

IT BEGAN with a simple drive to the airport. But, before long, she started to criticize his driving. He wasn’t aggressive enough; he wasn’t pushing past the speed limit; they would be late and it would be his fault. He, though, ever patient and peaceful, took it all silently.

They were hardly speaking by the time they arrived at the airport.

And then something strange happened.

She got out of the car in a huff and walked away. He just sat there, watching her. And he felt nothing. He had no urge to run after her. He didn’t care whether he ever saw her again or not.

Later, when he remembered this incident in psychotherapy for his depression, he broke into tears. His apathy that day shocked him.

When I suggested that he may have been angry with her, he protested, “But I love her. How can I be angry with her?”

Poor guy. Little did he understand love. And little did he understand anger.

[citychik]

Anger

Let’s face it—anger is a fact of life. Our world is filled with violence, hatred, war, and aggression. Psychologically, many theories of human development focus on the infant’s struggle with anger and frustration and the primitive fantasies of aggression, guilt, and reparation that result from these feelings. In essence, we grow up with anger right from the beginning of life.


The brilliant French psychoanalyst, Jacques Lacan, taught that aggression results as a psychological defense Jacques Lacan against threats of fragmentation.[1] That is, as infants, we are just a jumble of diverse biological processes over which we have no authority, and our first task in life is to develop a coherent identity which “pulls together” this fragmented confusion. This identity may give the appearance of a unified personality, but it really is just a psychological illusion that hides our essential human vulnerability and weakness. And so, when anything or anyone threatens us with the truth of our essential fragmentation, the quickest, easiest, and most common defense available—to hide the truth of our weakness and to give the illusion that we possess some sort of power—is aggression.


As a result, some persons will fly into a rage about almost anything. But some persons, like the man in the story above, don’t get any closer to anger than apathy. And yet apathy really is a veiled form of anger because, like all anger—as will be explained in the text that follows—apathy, even though it achieves its goal through passive indifference, ultimately wishes harm on another person.

So, given that anger is a human reality, what help can psychology offer in learning to cope with it?

[Rusty Zipper]

good 4th step stuff jojo

[citychik]

Quote:good 4th step stuff jojo

Point. I guess I can't postpone doing another 4th step any longer Pat.

I've been avoiding doing one all year. Uni's done and dusted for the year, works only got another 4ish weeks then holidays begin and if I don't want to be a train wreck of unstructured time doing that blasted step might be the answer.

Plus, hubbys going to be off work for a few weeks too so I'll need to be in top spiritual form.

Now...I surrender.

[Butterfly Woman]

Quote:So, given that anger is a human reality, what help can psychology offer in learning to cope with it?

By learning responsibility in how that anger is expressed

It is also imporatn to understand that underneath almost all anger is FEAR..therefore it is important to recognize when it is anger and when the anger is masking fear and feace each appropriately

[Rusty Zipper]

its well worth the time and effort jojo

the annual, or semi-annual housecleaning.

and by growing up we curb anger.

[Butterfly Woman]

and we face the fears and let go at a deepr level and let God do His thing

[citychik]

I totally agree with you Mary.

now if he could just let go of his there would be peace in the (my) world.

A friend from AA (17 years sober) rang last night and was speaking to him while I was finishing in the shower. When I got on the phone the first thing out of her mouth was "that man needs a sponsor." I told her it's not likely, he's not a programy type. (he over thought the 2nd and 3rd steps)

So, anger management. Work your magic!

[citychik]

The Starting Point: 3 Steps


Even though this might seem like an obviously simple point, many persons still have a deep reluctance to grasp it: Anger is a common human emotion. We all feel it. And we feel it more often than we like to admit.

But before going any further, we need to make a clear distinction between anger and feeling hurt or irritated.

We all feel hurt or irritated when someone or something obstructs our needs or desires. Anger, though, in its technical sense refers to the desire to “get even with”—that is, to take revenge on—the cause of the hurt.

For example, when another car suddenly cuts in front of your car on the road, adrenaline pumps into your bloodstream. Your heart rate jumps. Your blood pressure surges. These things, however, are just immediate fight-or-flight physiological responses to a perceived threat.

But then, as a psychological reaction to these immediate physical responses, indignation and animosity toward the other driver overrun your mind. You honk your horn. You give a dirty look. You scream a curse. And there you have it: anger. Anger, therefore, is the wish for harm or bad or evil to come upon someone or something that—in your eyes—has injured or obstructed you.

So the psychological process is clear and simple. If a person hurts you, then, in your anger, you want to hurt him back, just as you have been hurt.




Anger can also be expressed indirectly. If something like a traffic jam, for example, leaves you feeling tense and frustrated, then what do you do? Maybe you go home and find some petty thing out of order and then blow up, just to take out your frustration on your family. Or maybe you go to a bar, maneuver someone into offending you, and get into a fight. Either way you vent your frustrations at the traffic jam by hurting innocent persons—after first manipulating circumstances so that you can believe in your own mind that these persons have somehow hurt you and deserve to suffer for it.




Still, there is more to the story than this, because there is more to anger than meets the eye.

The truth is, anger may be a “natural”—that is, a commonly occurring—social reaction to hurt and insult, but being natural doesn’t make it good for us. Sure, “natural” foods are commonly advertised as being healthy and good for us. But poisons, for example, are also natural, and poisons, by definition, are deadly.

And so there are far better ways to cope with hurt and insult than with anger, because anger itself acts like a poison in your own heart that ultimately degrades the quality of your own life as much as it hurts the life of another person.

[Butterfly Woman]

Those little petty annoynaces need to be let go as soon as possible so they do not become bigger stuff and the sideways anger is so inappropriate...In other words if you're angry with yourself..then be angry with yourself...don't kick the dog or take the rolling pin to the spouse